John x Dave

YOU ARE NOW TALKING TO A RANDOM FUCKASS. SAY SOMETHING, ASSHOLE!

▼: hey!!

▲: tits or gtfo

▼: dave?

▲: yeah
▲: what about it?

▼: um.. i'm a guy, you know this right?

▲: so ive been told
▲: but come on after all that cake you eat you must have some solid b-cups by now
▲: my demands remain unchanged

▼: d-dave! shut up! i'm not fat, you dummy.

▲: whatever you gotta tell yourself dude

▼: dave. why do you want picture of me?

▲: weve been over this bro
▲: im stalking you and need more pics for my shrine you know that
▲: seriously though im doing this to everyone
▲: no homo

▼: whatever dave. youre bluffing.
▼: so obviously homo.

▲: oh you wish

▼: no i don't!

▲: this strider dong is off limits to my bromos bro
▲: sorry to burst your bubble

▼: i didnt want it in the first place! gosh, dave.

▲: nah man i can tell when youre lying
▲: you know you want some of this plush ass dont deny it

▼: dave! stop saying that! you know i'm not a homosexual..

▲: im not even saying you are man
▲: your stridersexual
▲: and frankly id be offended if you werent

▼: ugh, dave! i dont want to offend you, but..

▲: shhh shhhhhh bro its okay
▲: its totally natural
▲: every human goes through a dave phase im used to it

▼: im not in a "dave phase"!! gosh!

▲: there you go lying again
▲: the first step to getting over your problem is admitting it john
▲: sokay bro
▲: no ones judging

▼: i wont admit it because it's not true!
▼: so why dont we just not talk about it

▲: damn bro youre gonna make me have to go all intervention on your ass

▼: i dont need an intervention!

▲: man you got so many relationship issues
▲: like you dont even know man
▲: you gotta come to terms with it
▲: accept it into your heart

▼: ugh! why do you even care anyway! stop bugging me.

▲: then potentially for a short while in the ass
▲: but mostly in the heart and heartlike regions

▼: dave... why do you care so much, anyway? maybe you yourself have a little case of egbert- fever.
▼: hmmmm.

▲: no way man
▲: youre the one all head over heals up in here
▲: im just doing a bro a favour you dig?

▼: maybe youre the one. youre obviously trying to cover something up.

▲: dude im trolling you
▲: thats kind of a thing i do
▲: you should be used to this kind of shit by now seriously

▼: ok, well whatever, it doesnt matter to me anyway. sorry.

▲: jesus dude quit getting your panties in a twist
▲: its a joke

▼: they're not in a twist!

▲: and if you were comfortable with your manhood you shoulda been able to fucking take it

▼: ok, im sorry. i took it too seriously.

▲: damn right you did

▼: i dont know why, ok?
▼: sorry

▲: not good enough bro
▲: i demand apology head

▼: dave!! stooopp!

▲: make me egbert

▼: i cant make you do anything. its physically impossible.

▲: you can make me moan so loud id have to stop talking

▼: d-dave! stop that was weird!
▼: its making me uncomfortable.

▲: its only weird if you make it weird man

▼: you made it weird, dave..

▲: no you did
▲: if you didnt make it weird nothign weird would be going on
▲: just two dudes
▲: hanging out
▲: grabbing each others junk
▲: nothing weird bout that at all

▼: how is that not weird dave?

▲: its not weird cause i said its not weird

▼: why do you say its not weird? you'd like that wouldnt you?

▲: i aint saying yes john
▲: but im not saying no either
▲: theres a spare key under the mat
▲: come at midnight

▼: dave! quit joking around..

▲: fine
▲: spoil sport
▲: getting all up in a players business

▼: im sorry id rather have a relationship where we actually love each other than just touch each other!.
▼: and by we i mean me and whoever

▲: little freudian slip there john?

▼: no.

▲: do you really think i'm that shallow?
▲: im not the hit it and quit it kind of guy john
▲: that aint cool
▲: and i think we all know that not cool is not a thing i do

▼: no... well i mean.. sorry.

▲: jesus man

▼: i didnt mean it like that!

▲: i dont just stick it in anything with a hole that shit is personal.

▼: ok, ok i'm sorry. i didnt mean anything by it ok..

▲: apology apprehensively and passive aggressively accepted

▼: good. i really wasnt trying to be a jerk.

▲: well i was
▲: and you should respect my right to mess with you

▼: ok, ok.

▲: okay then
▲: i ran out of topics
▲: be a good boy and think up some conversation fodder

▼: oh, well.. uh. is there anybody you like? i mean like seriously "like"? just curious.

▲: i dont know man
▲: im a little ball of asolescent hormones i dont know what i like
▲: were kinda young for all that shit anyway right?

▼: oh, well i guess you're kinda right. i was just curious i guess. but ya, i understand.

▲: why do you got someone on your mind?

▼: no, well not really i guess. it doesnt matter anyway.
▼: well, not anymore anyways.

▲: come on bro you can tell me
▲: i can keep a secret

▼: no, i don't think i should say.
▼: it was little and it doesnt matter now anyway.

▲: well now that youre trying to be all secretive i HAVE to know

▼: it doesnt even matter anymore! it wasnt a big deal in the first place, and it certainly isnt going to happen now.

▲: you never know dude
▲: you get a little strider magic going for you and just about anything can happen
▲: give me the deets

▼: well maybe i- ugh no. i just can't do this.
▼: it'll be embarrassing

▲: come on dude ante up
▲: i know you got pair fucking act like it

▼: well it's going to sound pretty stupid given my previous remarks, and plus i'm too scared.
▼: so, um i shouldnt say it.

▲: well im still waiting for it
▲: youre not getting out of here with secrets in tact egbert
▲: you know damn well i have my ways

▼: ya, ya. well maybe i have feelings for y- i really don't think i can do this.

▲: go one man
▲: just two more letters

▼: ok. maybe.. i have feelings for you, dave. even though that sounds really stupid after all of the stuff i've said. gosh this is embarrassing.

▲: ...called it

▼: dave!!

▲: well i did
▲: and im not about to retract any of those offers either

▼: but, i thought you said you didnt like anyone..

▲: oh come on like im actually going to admit i have feelings

▼: you should've!

▲: why?
▲: last i checked emotions were the girls job

▼: it doesnt make you girly just because you have feelings, dave..

▲: im not saying it does
▲: im saying that youre totally the girl here
▲: i am not the girl in this relationship i have too much swag

▼: hehe ok dave, i will be the girl if it makes you happy.

▲: that would make me very happy
▲: im sure my butt will thank you for that as well
▲: your butt probably hates you though
▲: its okay man
▲: you got my butt now

▼: my butt will have to get used to it. and you got my butt! hehe.

▲: and i will cherish that butt all my life
▲: i will love it and hold it and cuddle it and pet it and call it george
▲: it will be amazing

▼: and i yours dave. i'm not sure naming it would be a good idea.. hehe.

▲: it was a reference
▲: to looney tunes
▲: learn your goddamn history thats like comedy 101

▼: oh well i'm sorry!! you'll have to teach me, i guess.

▲: its okay bro
▲: we can get through this
▲: together

▼: definitely!

▲: well great
▲: now im gonna be thinking about butts all night

▼: aw, i'm sorry. but is that a bad thing anyway?

▲: hmm
▲: no not really
▲: butts never travel too far from my mind given my
▲: ahem
▲: living conditions

▼: oh right... i'm sorry... what would bro think, anyway? about us?

▲: one night a couple years ago he brought home this old british dude named hass
▲: they didnt leave his bedroom for a week
▲: pretty sure hell be chill with it

▼: ew, oh gross. but that's good!

▲: hass was actually pretty chill
▲: he wore a pith helmet all the time
▲: im not sure if it was ironic or not but it looked pretty cool not gonna lie

▼: oh, well that's good!
▼: hey, dave?

▲: yeah?

▼: what colour are your eyes?

▲: ...
▲: theyre red

▼: sorry, i was just curious. but red? that's awesome! i bet they're beautiful..

▲: yeah....
▲: theyre really not
▲: wear shades for a reason

▼: no.. i'm sure they're perfect...

▲: theyre fuckin weird is what they are

▼: how so? i would like to see them some day, if that's ok...

▲: well yeah
▲: kinda awkward wearing glasses to bed

▼: ya, hehe. i guess you're right.

▲: i mean
▲: i guess theres nothing actually wrong with them
▲: its just not natural and kinda makes people uneasy a lot of the time

▼: i dont understand why people would be uneasy, because there is nothing wrong with having red eyes. it's unique and mysterious! hehe

▲: actually there is something wrong with it
▲: its a sign of several albino eye disorders
▲: the human brain is designed to take ovbious indicators of health into account when deciding on a mate
▲: and red eyes are a red flag apparently
▲: science

▼: oh.. well... sorry to hear that. i hope you arent injured or anything..

▲: no just
▲: some eye problems nothing serious

▼: oh, ok. well that's better, i guess.

▲: you know that thats a secret right?
▲: were bound in blood now
▲: cause i swear if you tell anyone im not perfect in every possible way ever i will find you
▲: and i will kill you

▼: yes, yes of course. i wouldnt have told anyone anyway. jeez have some faith.

▲: just checking
▲: this is some serious illuminati grade info here
▲: many of my enemies would like to learn of my weaknesses john
▲: you wouldn't want that would you?

▼: no! i would never want that, goodness! and i swear no one will ever find out. i promise on my life.

▲: damn right you do
▲: i thought wed cleared up the whole "on your life" bit when i threatened to kill you

▼: Ya ya. i was just double- clarifying it.

▲: well alrighty then
▲: now that thats all cleared up
▲: i ran out of things to say again
▲: and it is three thirty am
▲: shit when did that happen

▼: holy crap! it's that late already? oops. i should probably get to bed.

▲: i feel kinda bad just leaving like this
▲: i mean
▲: we just started a relationship or something right?
▲: is there some way were supposed to do this?
▲: we gotta go all suger coated cutesy baby talk here
▲: thats how it works.

▼: uh, maybe? i dont really know.. haha, alright let's do that
▼: you first.

▲: fuck no i already told you your the girl
▲: you have to start then i have to begrudgingly accept it and return the cute crap sarcastically.
▲: were doing this by the goddamn book

▼: Ok, ok.
▼: well, goodnight sweet heart~ i love you and i'll talk to you in the morning..

▲: okay johney poo ill talk to you in the morning
▲: what was weak
▲: also physically excrutiating to type and i intend to never do that again
▲: night

▼: hehe! ok, good night dave..

▼ HAS DUMPED YOU, CHUMP.